My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
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Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?