A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
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My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.