Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
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Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?