He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
You Might Also Like
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
LOOOOOOL
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome