The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
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Baking is just science you can eat.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
💁🏻♂️
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.