Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
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Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.