My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
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I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
another case of gang violins
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”