To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
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I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
I’ll be mad as hell!
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time