Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
You Might Also Like
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.