I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
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Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.