Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
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*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
But I really needed water water water
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*