The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
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95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?