Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
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What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
accurate
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Life cycle of cat