Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
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*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.