If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
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Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
it be like that
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
do u think theres a butter planet?
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
I think I’ll stand
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.