[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
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To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
mumsnet is amazing
Double negatives are never not confusing.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.