Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
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I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.