I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
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Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami