Do robots dream of electric sheep?
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The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
mariah carrie
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this