WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
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Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Saw your ex at the shops
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
They’re on their honeymoon
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
December birthdays be like…