One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
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I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
I think this should do it.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.