Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
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Thank you corporation very cool
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
Sniffing the broccoli
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
i made a craigslist ad !
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches