My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
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It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater