WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
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Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
I never needed anything more in my life
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
sensitive skin
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
File under excellent bookstore names.