“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
You Might Also Like
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here