Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
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Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later