Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
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Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
Rooting for the overdog
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…