“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
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Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris