“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
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Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.