My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
You Might Also Like
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.