I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
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Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
smh
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.