My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
You Might Also Like
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself