found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
You Might Also Like
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”