“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
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8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
Simple
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch