Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
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Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
the world’s most popular steaming services
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.