What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
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America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
hey, alexa
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along