When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
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I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Doug is just Canadian for dog
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.