i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
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How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall