The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
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[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
an octopus is just a wet spider
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
and now we wait
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*