[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
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If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!