No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
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I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.