Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
You Might Also Like
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life