Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
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I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point