Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
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Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Probably my best painting.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer