“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
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The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa