All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
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my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
May have had one breakfast too many
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding