holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
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Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.