“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
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[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
no refunds
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.