[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
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The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
He-man has a Masters degree
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
I’m about to risk it all
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway