The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
You Might Also Like
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.